Safety is not an illusion with them…

They are safe. & I don’t know if they can fully grasp what that means to me. I didn’t ever seek them out in the hopes that they would be safe; but recognizing that they are is both intoxicating and intimidating.

The intimidation is becuase by naturally providing a safe place, my defenses and walls become less resilient and my vulnerability is more exposed. My desire to trust is amplified. It’s a major discomfort because it invokes fear; but I recognize that and know it will continue to take work so that I don’t let it take control.

The safety is intoxicating because I also have not had many, if really any, safe spaces when it comes to people in my life, especially not a male. So between the adrenaline of experiencing a new-to-me dynamic and the overall attraction to them as an individual — physically, emotionally, mentally, etc it’s like a drug induced high.

They bring a peace and a calm out in me I’ve been wanting, that I’ve probably need needing. I genuinely find myself happy and grateful when they want to share with me the joy in their day, the happiness in their corner of the world. Likewise though, on the hard days or on the not-so-joyous moments my heart hurts and aches for them. When I can see them dealing with unjust situations or treatment, I want to be the one to make their life easier. I want to remove the stressors and burdens from their plate.

When I care for people, or when I love in this life, I do so deeply, down to my very core. I have never successfully been half-hearted about anything, or anyone. But In saying that … my nature is to provide that unconditionally. So there are some risks but I don’t give unto others with any intent or expectations of any type of quid-pro-quo.